Native Americans Buy Back Turtle Island!
by Lehman L. Brightman / United Native America
November 15, 2002

Now that Native Americans have re-purchased California, there will be a slight change in your school's dress code. Credit: Gathering of Nations.
United Native Americans (UNA) is proud to announce that it has purchased the state of California from the whites and is throwing it open for Indian settlement.

UNA bought California from three winos found wandering in San Francisco. UNA decided the winos were the spokesmen for the white people of California. These winos promptly signed the treaty, which was written in the Lakota language, and sold California for three bottles of wine, one bottle of gin, and four cases of beer.

Lehman L. Brightman, the Commissioner of Caucasian Affairs, has announced the following new policies: The Indians hereby give the whites four large reservations of ten acres each at the following locations: Death Valley, the Utah Salt Flats, the Badlands of South Dakota, and the Yukon in Alaska. These reservations shall belong to the whites "for as long as the sun shines or the grass grows" (or until the Indians want it back.)

All land on the reservations, of course, will be held in trust for the whites by the Bureau of Caucasian Affairs, and any white who wants to use his land in any way must secure permission from Commissioner Brightman.

Of course, whites will be allowed to sell trades and handicrafts at stands by the highway. Each white will be provided annually with one blanket, one pair of tennis shoes, a supply of Spam, and a copy of The Life of Crazy Horse.

If you are competent enough, you will be able to be a BCA reservation superintendent. Applicants must have less than one year of education, must not speak English, must have an authoritarian personality, proof of dishonesty, and a certificate of incompetence. No whites need apply.

Commissioner Brightman also announced the founding of four boarding schools, to which white youngsters will be sent at the age of six (6). "We want to take those kids far away from the backward culture of their parents," he said. The schools will be located on Alcatraz Island, the Florida Everglades, Point Barrow Alaska, and Hong Kong. All courses will be taught in Indian languages, and there will be demerits for any child caught speaking English. All students arriving at the school will immediately be given IQ tests to determine their understanding of Indian language, spirituality and hunting skills.

Hospitals will be established for the reservations as follows: Whites at Death Valley may go to the Bangor, Maine Hospital; those at the Utah Salt Flats may go to the Juneau, Alaska Hospital; those at the Yukon may go to the Miami Beach Hospital; and those at the Badlands may go to the Hospital in Honolulu, Hawaii. Each hospital will have a staff of two part-time doctors and a part-time chiropractor who have all passed first-aid tests. And each hospital will be equipped with a scalpel, a jack knife, a saw, a modern tourniquet, and a large bottle of aspirin.

In honor of the whites, many cities, streetcars, sports teams and products will be given traditional white names.

One famous Indian movie director has even announced that in his upcoming film, Custer's Last Stand', he will use many actual whites to play the parts of the soldiers, speaking real English. But of course, the part of Custer will be played by noted Indian actor Jay Silverheels.

Certain barbaric white customs will, of course, not be allowed. Whites will not be allowed to practice their heathen religions and will be required to attend Indian ceremonies.

Missionaries will be sent from each Indian Nation to convert the whites on the reservations. White churches will either be made into amusement parks or museums, or they will be torn down and the bricks and ornaments sold as novelties, souvenirs and curiosities.

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Forget Columbus Day:
How About a Native American Holiday?

Columbus was an agent of globalization. Let's honor those who resisted colonization. Credit: United Native America.
United Native America was formed in 1993 as a nationwide grassroots movement to bring about a federal national holiday for Native Americans. The Cherokee Nation of Oklahoma fully supports this issue with resolution 91-93. United Native America resolution 1-1 calls on the federal government to stop using our tax dollars to pay for Columbus Day.

Columbus does not rate a federal tax paid holiday in this country. We are standing up against the racial exclusion of Native Americans in our society to include these industries, national television stations, movie industries, national sports industries, national news media and music industries.

The American Indians helped give birth to this country and helped form the government we have today. This is the true beginning history of America. This contribution and many more are noted in the American Indian heritage month of November resolution passed each year by the United States Senate and signed by the president. Please join us in the struggle in the spirit of Crazy Horse, Tecumseh and countless others to live in peace on our land.

The petition for a Native American Holiday reads as follows:

(1) I support a National Holiday for Native Americans!

(2) I don't want my tax dollars paying for Columbus Day!

(3) I demand congressional hearings on the racial exclusion of Native Americans in movies, TV, sports, advertising and music companies!

(4) I demand truth in education in the classroom on Native Americans!

What You Can Do: If you wish to support the petition, contact your congressperson on this issue (202) 225-3121 and send your “signature” along to Mike Graham,1008 SE 10th Street, Muldrow, OK 74948,

For more information contact:
Please refer to the websites and resources in the above article.

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